Dear Apple: A Read
Before I begin, I want to say that we have been together for a long while. I got my first iPhone back in 2010, and we have been inseparable ever since. I downloaded Grindr, my first hookup app with you. I also deleted it. I mean…Who needs to know how many feet away the nearest penis is, especially in New York? You introduced me to Siri, and for that I will never forgive you. After 13 years, she is still a pain in my ass. But you know what? Even with that being the case, I have stuck with you all this time.
With all that in mind, I need to let you know that we have reached a point in our relationship where a reckoning is called for. Call it a come to Jesus meeting or call it a read, but there are a few things that I need to get off my chest. I’m not gonna lie, I’m about to drag you (and by proxy the late stage capitalism that created you), but considering the number of dick moves that you have pulled over the years, you (and late stage capitalism) really fucking deserve it.
First of all, let’s examine some of those dick moves. For one thing, there’s the fact that your operating system doesn’t work with ANYTHING else on the market. Dick move. In addition to that, there’s the fact that you designed the iPhone so that you have to take it to a service center to change the battery. DEFINITE dick move. Then there was that trick you pulled back in 2017 where you were slowing down the older iPhones to get people to buy the newest model. What? You thought we all forgot about that one? Nah, kid. I very vividly remember getting my $35 apology replacement battery. In fact, I think that not making those batteries free was the ULTIMATE dick move. And don’t even get me started on the bullshit you are pulling with Apple Music, formerly known as iTunes. I paid $9.99 for the original cast album of Mama Mia, and it’s suddenly “unavailable”?!?! Don’t play with me, Apple. I will come down there.
Now that we have agreed that there are a thousand reasons to drag you, and you are 100% deserving of said drag, I’m going to limit my criticism today to these fucking things *see photo above*. The lightning cable, the headphones you have to use with them, and all of the inconveniences associated with them are the source of my ire today. Before you even start, let’s address the elephant in the room: Sure, I could get airpods, but I am a manchild, and one or both of them would disappear within a week, and I don’t have the means to go shelling out $100 or so every time that happens. This leaves me with the plug in headphones, which are a problem in so many ways.
First of all, they are not made worth a damn. I literally buy them 8 pairs at a time. The last time I did this was in March, and today I dropped my last pair, and one of the headphones broke off. Yes, simply dropping these headphones will cause them to break. My first pair broke after two weeks. Their crappiness is bad enough, but think about how much plastic that will eventually become in our landfills. Beyond that, they are simply not practical. Gone are the days when you could just have one pair of headphones for all of your devices. Also gone are the days when you could charge your phone while listening to your playlist. Not only that, but now you actually have to select a sound source when making or receiving a call. Sure, this isn’t a big problem, but it is definitely inconvenient. We used to just be able to take a call, but now they have actually added a step to the process. Why? WHY????
Everyone who worships at the throne of capitalism constantly tells you that capitalism drives innovation. Sure. I can’t deny that, especially given the fact that Apple puts out a new iPhone every year. However, when said innovations are things that nobody wanted or asked for, and when they actually make the user experience worse, are those innovations worthwhile? I’ll leave you to ponder that, because I have to go order some headphones. You will excuse me, won’t you?